My First Ayahuasca Experience: A Journey into Healing and Understanding
The Search for Deeper Healing
For years, I knew something inside me needed healing. Traditional therapy had helped, but it never quite reached the core of what I was carrying. Through hypnotherapy, I uncovered two major wounds that had shaped my life—an overwhelming sense of abandonment and the trauma of childhood sexual abuse. But uncovering them was only the beginning. I needed a way to go deeper, to truly process and release what had been stored in my body and subconscious for decades.
That’s when I found Ayahuasca.
Through extensive research, I came across Lore and the DreamingArts Foundation, and something in me just knew—this was the next step. I joined two workshops: one focused on inner child healing, the other on ancestry. I had no idea just how profoundly these experiences would shift my life.
The Ceremony Begins
The Ayahuasca ceremony started in the afternoon. We gathered in a circle, set our intentions, and did a guided meditation. I felt prepared, but nothing could have fully prepared me for what was about to unfold.
Shortly after taking the medicine, I felt intense physical discomfort—especially in my abdomen. Around me, people were having different experiences—some crying, others laughing, some purging—but I sat there, feeling waves of pressure and unease.
Then, something shifted.
Visions of the Past and a Mysterious Baby
The Labour (2022) - 68.5cm x 58cm -Tyvec water resistant paper, gold leaves on wood board
As I stood up to go to the bathroom, I suddenly saw myself in a completely different body—a feminine body. I was naked, and as I touched my skin, I realised my anatomy was different. It felt surreal but strangely familiar.
Then, I saw a baby in my arms. It wasn’t crying, just staring at me. But instead of love or warmth, I felt anger and rejection. I looked at the baby and said:
❝I don’t know why you’re here, but I don’t want you here.❞
And just like that, the baby disappeared.
When I reached the bathroom, my reflection had changed again. Now, I saw myself as a caboclo—a mix of Indigenous and African ancestry, with dark skin, a white beard, and deep, wise eyes. I sensed the presence of ancestors, spirits guiding me, revealing parts of my past that had long been buried. I felt very proud of being part of that experience, like if that was a comeback.
Me after the ceremony and the “caboclo” I saw when i looked in the mirror. I found out later on that it was Mestre Irineu, the ascended Master and founder of a syncretic religion known as Santo Daime. (Art by Jorge Patrocinio)
But through it all, the physical discomfort never left. It felt as if my body was being hit with tiny punches—waves of pain and tension that refused to leave. I knew this wasn’t just the medicine. This was trauma, deeply stored, demanding to be released.
The Breaking Point & A Profound Realisation
The ceremony lasted 12 hours. While others were dancing and celebrating the final phase, I was still trapped in my body, feeling the pain, the spasms, the exhaustion. That’s when Lore approached me.
"Do you need help?" he asked.
I could barely speak, but I told him I felt like I was going to pass out from exhaustion and pain. He asked for permission to assist me, then placed his hands on my back. In that moment, I felt something shift.
A light appeared in front of me. I felt an overwhelming sense of freedom, as if I was everything and nothing at the same time. My physical body dissolved, and I entered a space of pure presence—completely aware yet weightless.
That was the moment my ego finally let go.
The Message Revealed
When I got home, I slept for 10 hours straight. Upon waking, I felt an urge to call my parents in Brazil. As I described my experience, my mother’s face suddenly changed.
"What did you say to the baby?" she asked. I repeated it: "I don’t know why you’re here, but I don’t want you here."
She started crying.
That’s when she told me the truth: my birth had been a traumatic 12-hour labor. Both of us had nearly died in the process. She was only 20 years old, alone, and severely depressed. The pain was so intense that, in desperation, she pushed against her belly, trying to relieve it. That’s when it all clicked.
The anger I felt toward the baby in my vision… was my own.
The rejection I had expressed… was a memory from the womb.
The pain in my body… was the pain my mother and I had endured together.
I had carried that trauma my entire life—without ever knowing it.
Healing Beyond Myself
This experience wasn’t just about me. It was about healing my entire family system.
For the first time, my parents and I openly discussed our pain, our inherited wounds, and the patterns of trauma passed down through generations. Today, we are healing together—learning to embrace affection, break old cycles, and redefine the legacy we leave for future generations.
Ayahuasca didn’t erase my trauma. Instead, it showed me where it lived, where it had hidden all these years. And in doing so, it gave me the gift of understanding, forgiveness, and release.
Turning Pain into Purpose
Through this journey, I found a new way to express myself—through art.
My healing became the foundation of my first solo art exhibition, "CURA", where I showcased 23 pieces that told my story—the trauma, the transformation, the tools I gained to move forward. My work is now exhibited in galleries worldwide, and I’ve dedicated my life to helping others reconnect with themselves through art therapy, workshops, and storytelling.
This is my purpose now: to heal through art.
I firmly believe that everyone can benefit from working with their subconscious. However, I also recognize that this experience is not for everyone. Ayahuasca isn’t a magic cure—it’s a mirror. It reveals what’s inside—the wounds, the truth, the emotions we’ve buried. And that can be intense, even overwhelming.
If you ever feel called to explore deeper layers of yourself, finding the right support is essential. In my journey, I was in a small, experienced group where I felt safe and supported.
The conversation around psychedelics is evolving, and research into their therapeutic benefits is growing. I truly hope that, in the future, more countries will explore ways to integrate these tools into responsible, well-supported healing practices.
For me, this experience unearthed a lifetime of stored pain—but also revealed my incredible capacity to heal.
If you feel drawn to this path, my advice is:
✨ Come prepared. Learn, research, and reflect on your intentions.
✨ Find a supportive environment. Surround yourself with people who understand the process.
✨ Be open. Healing doesn’t always look the way we expect.
And most importantly, listen—because the answers you seek are already inside you.
